My dear sweetheart,
I know how much you love me. I know you only want what’s best for us, me and our family. I know that you carry the weight of our world on your shoulders and that you are doing everything in your power to keep the world safe and secure and risk free for us. I worry about all that you keep inside in an effort to keep me from worrying so I can be and do everything I want to be and do.
What I wish you understood about what I want is that I want you to trust me. I want to know that you know that I am your partner but I don’t feel like your partner when you make decisions about me without hearing what I have to say.
I know you listen to me; I just don’t believe that you HEAR me. If you really heard me, you would know that I too carry the weight of our world on my shoulders, especially when I am pregnant; preparing to bring a new little person into the very big and scary world.
During pregnancy, my life is bombarded with information from all directions. Parents, siblings, friends, you, the doctor, the internet, etc….IT’S OVERWHELMING and I am supposed to just know what is best; to wade through it all and have all the answers for everyone. Then, when I do finally say what I’m thinking but especially what I’m feeling, I am told that I’m wrong, or it’s “too risky” or costs too much, or questioned about its safety.
I scream inside every single time anyone asks me, “is it safe?” WHY does everyone think that I’d want something that wasn’t safe? When did I become a moron? Why is something automatically “unsafe” simply because my only explanation for wanting it is that it “feels” right. I’d use other words if I could but I honestly can’t really put it into words that you’ll understand. It really is a “woman” thing. There’s a part of me deep inside that confirms that it’s the right choice for us. Why can’t that be enough? Why can’t I just be trusted to know what is best for me, my body, our baby, our family? Why is it important for me to simply trust you but insulting when I ask you to trust me?
I don’t want to place a wedge in our relationship that we may never be able to remove. Every cell of my body tells me that if I ignore what I want and just give into what other people want – to help them “feel” safe – that I will increase the chance of birth complications but especially severe postpartum depression for me as I work through the grieving process because I ignored my intuition. What else is my intuition for?
Do you understand that I was born already programmed for birth? That it’s built into my DNA? That you don’t have to be there in order for the birth to be safe. Your presence isn’t what makes it safe. The fact that my body has been specifically designed and programmed for birth is what makes birth safe. Everyone else around me increases risks. Everything done to me and for me is what increases risk. Leaving the safety of our home increases risks. The stress and anxiety I’ll experience during the pregnancy because you’re insisting that I ignore my intuition increases risks.
I don’t need you there but I REALLY, REALLY WANT to hear YOUR voice encourage me with each sensation. I want YOUR strength to increase my strength. I want YOU to hold me up when I don’t have the strength to go further. I want YOU to be by my side as our creation enters the world. I want to see YOUR eyes first as I look up from our new little one. I want YOUR hands to be holding us. I want YOU to engulf us in your arms and hug us and not want to let us go.
I love you with all my heart and soul. I am desperately working internally to understand why you don’t seem to trust me. It’s breaking my heart that I don’t feel like I can give myself completely to you because you seem to reject the essence of who I am and why I am who I am. This inner knowing is what makes me a good partner, lover, wife, confidant, friend, daughter, mother, woman and it guides me along my life journey. To reject that part of me is to reject the most sacred and beautiful part of me.
We are all emotional beings. It is, however, the biggest part of me; of women. It is why you love me. It is what attracted you to me. It is what guides me and it is a large part of birth. My emotional state and the emotions of those around me during the birth will impact the birth of our child. Wanting me to be safe is not the problem. Insisting that I can’t decide for myself what safe means for me, for us, for our family is insulting.
What I want is what I do my best every single day to give to you….love, trust, honor, respect, understanding, belief, and the knowledge that I can share all my hopes and dreams with you without having to prove that what I want is safe or without risk. Life is not without risk. Life has no guarantees. Please love me enough to give me the security that comes with being able to speak my mind without having to be worried that you’ll stop talking to me or leave me. Give me the 100% certainty that I can share it all with you KNOWING that you’re here no matter what because THAT is real security. THAT is what I want…it’s all I want. To be loved and understood and trusted….the same things you want.
Your sweetheart and lover